Rejection Sensitivity and Hostile Attribution Bias

At a party... and think everyone hates you? It might not be true!

The Social Replay Loop

Have you ever left a party and spent the rest of the night replaying a conversation, convinced you said the wrong thing? (I know I have!) Or perhaps you've stared at a short, vague text message from a friend and felt a knot of anxiety form in your stomach, certain you've done something to upset them? (Yup, been there!) If so, you’ve experienced the social replay loop—a common but frustrating mental habit.

This experience isn't about sensitivity or being too sensitive (something you might have been told for years). It's actually a set up of cognitive shortcuts can cause us to misinterpret neutral or ambiguous signals from others as being hostile, critical, or rejecting, even when they’re not. I wanted to learn more about this for myself. 

In my research I found that there were five surprising psychological concepts that explain why this happens, and as a result it's allowed me to gain a new perspective on these painful social moments and learn to view them not as a personal failure, but as a predictable feature of the human mind.

Five Surprising Truths About Social Misinterpretation

1) Your Brain Might Be Hardwired to See Hostility

A cognitive bias known as "Hostile Attribution Bias" describes the tendency to interpret the actions of others as hostile, even when those actions are completely benign. An individual with this bias is more likely to perceive harmless or innocuous behaviour as a personal attack. This is particularly common for neurodivergent individuals who may have a history of being misunderstood and ostracised. A classic example of this is seeing two people laughing together and immediately making the assumption that they are laughing at you.

While this mental shortcut may have once been a protective mechanism in threatening environments, in modern life it can become really annoying, particularly in the workplace. It can sow seeds of mistrust, create conflict where none exists, and lead to unnecessary anger and aggressive responses. This tendency to assume the worst isn't limited to strangers; it becomes especially painful when it involves people we care about, tapping into a deep-seated fear of rejection.

2) The Fear of Rejection Can Create a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Often this is made worse by a trait called "Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria", commonly higher in those who are neurodivergent. Someone high in this trait will often interpret mildly negative or even neutral social cues as signs of outright rejection, disregarding more logical explanations.

This creates a painful paradox. Behaviours driven by this fear, such as scrutinising every interaction or second-guessing a delayed text message response can actually lead to pushing others away. This defensive posture inadvertently creates the very self-fulfilling prophecy the person fears most (actual rejection). But why does this perceived rejection feel so powerful and all-consuming? Because it's not just a thought—it's a full-body experience.

3) It’s Not Just "In Your Head"—It’s a Physical, Neurological Response

This feeling isn't imagined; it's a physiological alarm bell ringing throughout your body, it might even 'hurt'. For people with high rejection sensitivity, a perceived social threat can trigger the body’s "fight-or-flight" response.

Brain imaging studies confirm this physical reality. When rejection-sensitive individuals see disapproving facial expressions, they show heightened activity in brain areas that influence emotions and decision-making. So that knot in your stomach or the racing of your heart is your nervous system interpreting a threat, a clear sign that this experience is a matter of wiring, not willpower.

4) It's Not a Character Flaw, But a Difference in Wiring

Maybe the most important of the truths! Extremely high levels of rejection sensitivity, sometimes called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), are frequently associated with neurodivergent conditions like ADHD. It is not a character flaw but as a fundamental difference in neurological wiring. The tendency for neurodivergent people to experience this is often misunderstood due to what's known as the "double empathy problem."

This concept describes how one neurotype's norms are often imposed on another, leading to a profound lack of compassion. As one expert explains, this is the problematic assumption that everyone should operate from the same baseline:

"because I don't think that way you shouldn't think that way. It's imposing your own norms your own perceptions your own perspective onto somebody else assuming that everybody operates from this baseline of the same neurotype which is not true..."

Understanding this shifts the narrative away from one of personal failure and toward a need for mutual curiosity and understanding between different neurotypes whether this be a neurotypical individual with someone with ADHD or even between individuals who are neurodivergent in different ways.

5) Our "Toughen Up" Culture Can Make Everything Worse

The internal struggle with rejection sensitivity can be made significantly heavier by historic cultural pressures to 'toughen up' and not be sensitive, and it is a particular problem in cultures where sensitivity is seen as a weakness.

The problem with this is... this culture sends a constant, damaging message: you are the weak link, you are the problem, and you need to "toughen up." This external judgment adds a heavy layer of shame, reinforcing the false idea that the individual’s wiring is a personal failing. This cultural pressure transforms a difficult internal experience into an even heavier burden to carry.

From Self-Judgment to Self-Compassion

As I've described, the tendency to misinterpret social cues is not a simple personal failing. It is a complex experience rooted in cognitive biases, neurology, and the cultural environment we live in. Our brains have intricate, often unconscious, ways of navigating the social world that can cause significant pain, but these are features of our wiring, not reflections of our worth.

The next time you find yourself caught in a loop of social anxiety, try to shift your perspective from self-criticism to curiosity. Understanding the mechanisms behind these feelings can be the first step toward treating yourself with more compassion.

Knowing your brain has these built-in tripwires, the next time you feel that familiar pang of social anxiety or think that someone doesn't like you any more just take a moment to be kind to yourself and ask yourself if the RSD is kicking in!